If you’ve read from the beginning of the blog (yeah, waaay back when), you’ll remember that I wrote about my rehab experience last March and April at Parker Valley Hope. While there I met some of the most incredible men and women. It was such an honor to get to know them and to learn what huge obstacles they had to overcome to beat their addictions. On leaving, Parker Valley Hope awarded me a scholarship to their continuing care program at their Denver’s office. For more than a year, I’ve been in group counseling with about 15 others in our Monday morning group.

This  is where I met Paul. From day one, with his Boston accent, Paul has been a beacon of positivity. He offers keen guidance and true encouragement to all of us. Occasionally he will text a podcast or video that he thinks will benefit, like this one he recently sent me https://youtu.be/eC7xzavzEKY.

He also shares what I call “Paul-isms:” little tidbits of inspirations, which I have written down in my notebook all year long (and which I’ll share in my next post). While I knew the basics of Paul’s “story,” I didn’t know the full backstory. He was kind enough to share it with me, and to let me share it here with you.

In April 2019, Paul, 52, was a 21-year veteran of the Parker, Colorado police force. He was a sergeant who, when on duty, oversaw an entire shift of line officers. He earned a six-figure annual salary.

Fast forward to now, a little more than one year later. Paul is now working in the gate house of a private, gated-community. He earns $14.79 per-hour.

The crushing blow to Paul’s career and livelihood stemmed from his addiction to alcohol and to crossing a crucial line. He was caught while being intoxicated on the job and when he was carrying a firearm.

Paul’s slide from a casual drinker to what many would consider a functioning alcoholic was gradual, as it is for many. “When I was in my thirties I started experimenting with mostly wine,” he says. “I was never a serious consumer. It was not my goal to be intoxicated.”

However, about six years ago, stressors from the job led to a progression in his drinking habits. “I was getting younger teams of officers, GenXers, to supervise” he says. “I had trouble relating to them and began losing my patience. This led to a feeling of becoming disinterested in police work. I did my job, I did my 10 hours and then went home.”

Paul, who is married with 2 children, 18 and 20,  says he began to develop anxiety. “I had mental episodes and breakdowns that I couldn’t control,” he says. The two antidotes were exercise and alcohol. “I sometimes switched from getting bottles of wine to boxes. I would keep one in the garage and one in the trunk so no one would know how much I was drinking.”. Paul says there were days he woke up feeling woozy and hung over, but he still maintained his rigorous workout schedule of trail running one day a week and circuit training with weights the others.

The afternoon and evening drinking eventually shifted to daytime drinking and not just on his days off, but on his workdays as well. “If I was working the afternoon shift, going in at 2, I would have a couple of glasses of wine after my work out and before going to work. But that 2-3 glasses turned to 3-4 and I ended up having a friggin’ buzz at work. But it was like medicine. I felt better when I had alcohol,” he says.

The real tipping point came when Paul switched from wine to vodka. “I would mix it with whatever juice was in the house,” he says. His family was well aware of his drinking, says Paul. “My wife knew I had a problem and she did mention it to me, asking me to watch my drinking. But it was never confrontational so I never felt I needed to be accountable,” he says.

Paul knew his actions were career threatening. “I knew I was playing with fire, but alcohol cured my anxiety. I felt better. Of course that was all false,” he says. Paul would make promises to himself to stick to just 3 glasses of wine that night, but that turned into shots of vodka and a bottle of wine. “I could go into the day drunk. I’d go to a 9AM church service with a bottle of wine in me.”

Paul’s fateful day at work occurred on Good Friday in 2019. “I selfishly made the decision to drink before work. I first had 5 shots of vodka. Then, during my shift, I went to my trunk and took 5 glugs straight out of the bottle. I said to myself ‘I can’t believe I did this. That was too much for me, he says” In fact, it was the only time Paul drank while actually at the job. “I’ve gone in with a buzz, but never drank during a shift before this,” he said.

Within minutes, co-workers picked up on Paul’s slurred vernacular when he was on the radio.  Officers from the Internal Affairs division took him into a room. Paul was completely honest with the questioning officers. “One thing I know in police work is if you lie you are screwed, but if you tell the truth you may receive grace. At least you hope so in this world.”

Paul reached out to some close friends for advice. “I called my best friend who is a former DEA agent. He said the first thing you do is acknowledge to your family that you have a problem and you are going to fix it, that you are an alcoholic. It’s the first time I heard that term associated with me,” he says. He soon started the outpatient rehab treatment program at Valley Hope in Denver.

This involved six weeks of classes and meetings, 3 times a week for 3 hours per day. Paul felt the program was eye-opening in that it introduced him to people he normally wouldn’t associate with. And he didn’t feel the program offered a “complete fix.”  “But the counselors offered tools that I used to further my education on my own. It was like they provided the training wheels to the bike,” he says, showing an example of what I call a “Paulism”

 Regarding his job, the case turned into a criminal investigation that was sent to the district attorney’s office. He eventually pleaded guilty to a DWAI, and was given probation, which included a $3,000 fine, 48 weeks of classes, community service and is forbidden from carrying a firearm.  

 Once Paul’s probation period is over, most likely later this year, and he is able to carry a firearm, he hopes to stay on the security department at the gated community. “They respond to crimes like minor thefts,” he says.  “They treat me very well and have been very understanding,” he says. The higher security level job pays far better. In addition, he is interested in earning a Level 1 Addiction Counseling certificate to work with others confronting their addiction. “Once you’ve been down that hole and have climbed out you know how it feels. I can use my experiences to help others. This would give me a great sense of purpose.”

And it would allow him to share his motivational  “Paulisms” with those who need them the most.