As you may know I have been living with Trigeminal Neuralgia since 2012. For the past several years my pain management doctors has prescribed a variety of medications, including opiates such as Vicodine and then Oxycontine.

Starting last fall of 2018 I just wasn’t doing well. I wasn’t getting the relief I needed. I talked to my doctor,  but I resisted going off Oxy because even though it wasn’t as effective as it was before, at least I knew it helped some. By Christmas 2018 and into 2019 my constant pain showed more, though really only a few people who saw me a lot could tell

On the night of March 22, I couldn’t sleep. I took meds and drank some wine. Then I got completely paranoid that I had taken too many oxy and that I had overdosed. It was 2 in the morning and I texted my then-next door neighbors (one of which, David, was a recent med school grad). When he finally came over at 5 A.M. he could tell I was out of it on something. He called and got a list of my meds from Tom. He figured out I had taken too many sleeping meds plus anxiety meds. At the same time, I was going through withdrawl because I hadn’t taken any Oxy for the past couple of days. As I was withdrawing (though I didn’t realize that’s what was happening). David told Tom that I needed to go to detox. Tom and David presented this to me by late morning. I agreed and set up a conference call with my family  (siblings and in-laws). It was very teary-eyed call. I had to go to the ER in order to get into a Detox facility.

Little did I know that the only bed available was in a trauma unit at a place called Denver Springs. So that was crazy (lots of stories) After a few days in the trauma unit they moved me to the regular unit. The only withdrawl symptoms I had from the oxy was one night I fell out of bed and was sick to my stomach and had to crawl to the bathroom, making a huge mess….that got the attention of the entire staff.

I wanted to go home after detox and just be in my own home with Fiona. But Melissa (I was her babysitter growing up and she’s a crisis counselor now in Denver….plus my dear friend) talked me into going to rehab. She said that I had had been taking opiods for 6 years so committing one month to its true withdrawal was important. She then reminded me that a week prior to my March “incident” I drove to her new house in the middle of the day with Fiona and then afterward had no recollection of it. So I had a complete blackout that involved driving. OK, rehab it was.

While there, they strongly suggested I quit drinking wine as well as the opiod withdrawal. OK…now more alcohol it was.

I was at Parker Valley Hope for about 4 weeks. No cell phones. I was one of the older guests. There was only one other person there for prescription opiod use. Most patients were there for alcohol, cocaine, heroin, and meth withdrawl. The patients ranged in age and “types” of people, but really a normal-looking group of people ….if you showed up at lunch you would think you were at Applebees. In the end, it was probably was one of the more rich experiences of my life (not to mention expensive, $20k). I met some amazing people and was exposed to situations that I could not believe. I learned what a powerful and horrible force addiction is….

During that time I sat through countless lectures about both alcohol and drug addiction and attended daily AA and NA meetings. The only thing….None of it resonated. However, I left drug and alcohol free and remain so today.

Meanwhile, about a week before my March “incident” I had an appointment with my neurologist, Dr. Chen. We talked about a lot of things but I told her that I wanted to address my antidepressant meds because they weren’t doing the trick. She was referred me to a neuropsychologist. I went to that appointment after going to rehab, I assumed to address the antidepressant meds issue. After Dr. Nguyen asked me a bunch of questions he said he as setting me up for a five hour test the following week. I asked, “What is this all about?” He said that my neurologist thinks, and he agrees, that I have memory decline and the test will further determine this.

All of a sudden, “Ding ding ding.” It was the first thing in seven weeks that made sense. For months I had been complaining about my memory issues….forgetting things, trouble with coming up with the right words, etc. etc.

So I took the test and it, along with follow up appointments with the neuropsychologist and my neurologist, revealed several things. First I have a major cognitive disorder. This impacts my memory, my executive functioning and my ability to learn. If you’re around me for a while you will notice I can’t come up with the right words/names and I often can’t remember a lot of things (like where I put my keys, a ticket, etc.)

Ends up all those months I was actually having memory problems taking my meds. The irony is that I was very careful and disciplined with my oxy medication, taking my prescribed 4-a-day meds at 10-1-4 and 7. Where I screwed up, however, was my other meds, including my other pain meds such as Lyrica. I was not using a dispenser and relying on my (faulty) memory if/when I took them. Once I was using a dispenser I realized how often I missed my needed meds like my Lyrica, Toprimate not to mention the antidepressant and blood pressure medication. Basically, everything was all messed up.

My motor skills are also impacted which right now presents in difficulties with balance, falling and I also run into things all the time.

My neurologist compared it to a car’s electrical system….one thing goes wrong (for me, trigeminal neuralgia), and then eventually, (for me, six years down the road) other neurological functions start going wrong as well….and so it goes.

The neuropsychologist said I am capable of independent living at this time though, this could change relatively soon.  In the meantime I have cognitive therapy…..And thus, the blog. I need to get my writing chops back so this seems like the best way. Since I’m lapping my time in detox/rehab by a year now I may revisit some of my experiences there (lots and lots of notes) and check in with some of my friends I met from there. And I’ll just write about what touches me and most importantly, what amuses me. Thanks for joining me.